


Won't Come Home Until We Kiss A Girl

by Beehsknees



Series: Hello, Dolly! [2]
Category: Hello Dolly! (1969), Hello Dolly! - Herman
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay, Happy Ending, M/M, restaurant, set before Hello Dolly canon, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-17 00:36:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14176764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beehsknees/pseuds/Beehsknees
Summary: "Why Barnaby, I feel positively dreadful. In all my life I've never even shared a single kiss with someone." Barnaby steadied the broom against the wall and walked over to him."Well you've kissed your mother." Cornelius batted at his friend playfully with a tut."You know I don't mean that. I mean...romantically." Barnaby's cheeks blushed at such a word and he nodded.





	Won't Come Home Until We Kiss A Girl

Cornelius Hackl sat down on a wooden chair with a sigh, his long legs hitting the ground in front of him. His younger friend, Barnaby Tucker, looked up from his work spot where he had been brushing the wooden floorboards of the shop they were employed at (Vandegelder's Hay and Feed Store). 

"What's up Cornelius? You've had a frown on your face all morning! It's quite unusual." Cornelius looked across and let out another dramatic sigh.

"Why Barnaby, I feel positively dreadful. In all my life I've never even shared a single kiss with someone." Barnaby steadied the broom against the wall and walked over to him.

"Well you've kissed your mother." Cornelius batted at his friend playfully with a tut.

"You know I don't mean that. I mean...romantically." Barnaby's cheeks blushed at such a word and he nodded.

"Well, neither have I. It's nothing to be ashamed of." The taller man furrowed his brows in response.

"I'm not ashamed! Just...sad. I feel like I'm missing out. Say..." He jumped up and grabbed Barnaby by the arms.

"You and me, let's go out!" 

"Wh-what do you mean by that, Cornelius?" The younger man stuttered out, looking anywhere but at his friend's face, hoping he couldn't see how flustered he acted. 

"For dinner! Lots of pretty woman like to go out to dinner, we will find some pretty women at a nice restaurant and kiss them! Oh, it's genius." Cornelius' mind was buzzing as he raced for his coat and hat on the coat rack, leaving a dazed Barnaby stood still. There were obviously many flaws in this not-very-well thought out idea, but Barnaby enjoyed watching his friend be happy and let him be. 

"Right..." He replied and followed him to grab his coat. Cornelius grinned as he pulled on his jacket.

"We can go to that one in the middle of town, that one Dolly Levi sometimes goes to." Barnaby frowned, putting on his own coat.

"But how can we afford it? We have no money." Cornelius haltered for a second and frowned.

"Geez, you're right. Guess I didn't think this through well enough..." Barnaby felt heartbroken as the light from Cornelius' eyes disappeared, and Barnaby raced through his mind for ideas.

"I know! I'll ask my parents. They're not rich by any means, but I'm sure they can lend us enough for a starter or two." The taller man began to grin again and pulled Barnaby into a tight embrace, jumping about like a kangaroo.

"Oh, Barnaby you're too kind! We need to be quick though if we want to get a seat next to the pretty ladies." Before he could even reply, the man was out of the door and running down the street like a madman. Barnaby sighed and locked up the shop, heading in the opposite direction home. He was sure excited to have a nice night out with his friend but...not if all Cornelius would be focusing on is girls. Why couldn't he focus on him? His best friend? Cornelius cared too much about women and their lips! Barnaby kicked a small pebble as he stared down at the ground. He was so self-occupied he didn't even hear the scorn of the woman who he'd kicked the pebble at.

"Mr. Tucker, MR. TUCKER. Why I do say, you are in a daze today. Is something the matter?" Barnaby recognised that voice anywhere!

"Ms. Dolly Levi! I'm terribly sorry- I didn't mean to kick that at you! I hope I haven't hurt you-" He was cut off by the woman as she linked arms with him and led him to a bench in the shade, away from the main road.

"Don't you worry about me young man, I'm worried about you. Where's your dear friend, er, Mr. Hackl? You two are always together. Don't go and tell me you've had a falling out now!" Barnaby shook his head as they sat down.

"No, no. We're going to a fancy restaurant tonight so he's gone home to get ready. I'm going home and asking mom and pops for some money so we can afford to go. We're not terribly rich you see." Dolly gave a knowing smile and took a hankerchief from her purse, dabbing her forehead from any sweat.

"You two are eating dinner together tonight? And may I ask what's the occasion?" Barnaby tried to hide his scowl as he spoke.

"No special occasion, just..." Dolly nudged him to continue. He sighed.

"Cornelius wants to meet pretty women and kiss them." Dolly let out a small laugh and shook her head.

"Oh that boy, so girl-crazy. Though, it may do him good to get a girl of his own one day." Unbeknownst to him, Barnaby slumped lower into the bench, staring at a squirrel in the distance. 

"Oh dear Barnaby, you look even more sullen than before. Do tell me what the matter is. I may be good with people but I'm no psychic." Barnaby pouted. 

"I just wish Cornelius would pay more attention to his best friend, is all. Girl's ain't all that great as he's making them up to be! Uh, no offense Ms. Levi." Dolly laughed again and waved the thought away.

"None taken my dear. I say...I think I know just what's going on. You leave it all to me Mr. Tucker. Don't even ask your parents for money, here." She reached into her purse and pulled out a few crisp notes, handing them to Barnaby with a wink.

"Oh, Ms. Levi, I can't take these from you!" Dolly was already up and opening her lace umbrella.

"Nonsense! Goodbye Mr. Tucker, get ready for tonight. Meet Mr. Hackl at 7:30 sharp!" Dolly waved and walked off into the distance. Barnaby had a vague headache. Putting the notes carefully into his pocket so they wouldn't rip, he wandered off home to take a nap and get ready for the night. 

 

Barnaby was early as usual. The large clock tower read 7:24 and he fiddled with his tie and cap nervously. Why was he so nervous? He blamed Dolly Levi, she always had something up her sleeve. Mr Vandergelder always said nothing good could come of that woman...but Barnaby couldn't believe that! After all, she had given him money and said she would make everything better. Goodness knows what that entailed though. He watched people entering the restaurant and smiled at them awkwardly. He recognised a few of them from when he took strolls out in the day, but most of these people were far too rich to know a lowly shop assistant like himself. The clock had turned to 7:30 and Cornelius was still nowhere to be seen. He knew he'd show up - he wouldn't let his best friend down like this, but he still got nervous butterflies in his stomach on the off chance that he wouldn't show up. Though just as he started to consider going to the nearest telephone, a lanky figure began jogging up the steps to where he stood.

"I'm sorry I'm late, friend! I just had the most odd conversation with Ms. Dolly Levi! But anyway, let's go in!" They smiled and entered the restaurant, immediately smelling the lovely aromas of different spices and cooked foods galore. An older gentleman approached them with a board in his hand.

"Name?" Barnaby cleared his throat.

"Uh, Mr. Hackl and Mr. Tucker." The waiter glanced down at his board before nodding, leading the way. They came to a two person booth that was situated near the band that was playing, but just out of view of all the other guests. Cornelius sat down and unbuttoned his jacket.

"Oh, wow, you even reserved us a table Barnaby!" The younger man was slightly confused but, as he glanced down at the dance floor, saw a familiar loud mouthed woman who winked at him. Ah. Barnaby picked up a menu and stared in awe at all of the fancy foods - Cornelius on the other hand was surveying all the other diners.

"Aw shucks, it seemed all the women came with their husbands. That's a pity." Barnaby didn't understand why he felt happy at that, but he did. 

"Well, we can spend more time together then. Think of the positives!" He replied with a bashful smile, before once again hiding his head in the menu. Cornelius shrugged and picked up his own menu, wondering why his friend was acting in such a strange way. Though Barnaby sounded like he wanted them to be here, his actions made it seem like the opposite. Maybe it was because Cornelius told him to ask his parents for money? He felt bad about that. But that didn't matter anymore as tonight was on him! He wasn't going to tell Barnaby, but a certain someone had given him a few notes and he knew it would be more than enough to pay for their meals. Cornelius didn't even care much if he didn't kiss a girl tonight, because he could at least give his best friend a night to remember. After all, Barnaby hadn't been himself lately. Cornelius didn't want to say anything in case it upset him, but it felt like the younger man was hiding from him sometimes. There was even a time when Cornelius slept at Barnaby's like they always did, but Barnaby refused to top and tail like they were used to. He was adamant about sleeping on the sofa! Boy did Cornelius feel bad. But he wasn't about to tell Barnaby that he knew he came upstairs and crawled back into the bed in the middle of the night. 

"Gosh, there's too many choices!" Barnaby muttered, pulling Cornelius out of his train of thought.

"I know. It all looks so tasty, too. I wish I could eat it all!" For a moment, everything again seemed normal between the two. Not for long. The familiar waiter came back around again and placed a bottle of white wine on the table. Cornelius and Barnaby both looked bewildered. The waiter poured them both a glass.

"Table 16 has requested this be sent to you." Cornelius peered around and finally caught a glimpse of who the mystery person at table 16 was - and gasped.

"Golly Barnaby, you'll never guess who gave us this bottle!" Barnaby looked to where he was pointing and his eyes widened - two girls, around their age, were batting their eyelashes up at them! Barnaby withdrew his eyes from the table and glared at the bottle of wine like it was poison. Cornelius was more than happy to wave bashfully at the girls before turning back to his friend.

"Wow! I guess we're lucky after all." 

"Sooo lucky." The younger boy replied sarcastically. The waiter cleared his throat.

"Are you two ready to place your order?" They nodded and Cornelius ordered lobster, whilst Barnaby ordered steak. The man nodded and walked off. Cornelius took a sip of the wine and let out a happy sigh. Barnaby passed on it for now, instead pretending to be very fascinated with the flowers nearby him. After a few minutes of silence, Cornelius put his glass down with a 'clink' and looked worryingly at his friend.

"Is everything all right? You sure seem down today." Barnaby opened his mouth to answer, but was silenced by the giggles of two women approaching their table. 

"Hi there!" The first woman spoke out. She was tall with tight pin curls on the back of her ginger hair. She was quite pretty - freckles, red lips and bright eyes.

"We're from table 16! Though I guess y'all figured that out." The second girl said with a giggle and a slight a southern drawl. She was slightly shorter, with light brown hair that barely reached past her ears. She had a gap in her teeth and her 's's came out differently. Cornelius' face blushed a bright pink as he began to thank the girls for the lovely wine they bought. Barnaby simply crossed his arms together and looked away.

"Barnaby! Say thank you to these lovely girls for the wine." Cornelius nudged him under the table and Barnaby sighed, glancing their way.

"Thanks." He said dryly, hoping this would be the end of the exchange with these woman. Sadly not. They grabbed two chairs and pulled them up to the table. The lisp girl sat near Barnaby and the ginger girl sat close to Cornelius - too close, he thought. 

"I'm Bridgette and this here is Lisa." The ginger said with a wave. 

"We're not from around here. We're visiting relatives at the moment." Lisa replied, taking a sip from Barnaby's wine glass. He didn't bother complaining, they did buy it in the first place. 

"How interesting! Barnaby and I are locals. Y'know, we could show you around sometime?" Bridgette giggled and linked her arm with Cornelius'.

"Oh that would just be lovely." The two began chattering to themselves and Lisa turned to Barnaby with a coy smile.

"So, Barnaby was it?" He nodded, glancing at her for a second. Although he was annoyed these two were still here, he couldn't deny that she wasn't a pretty girl. But she was irritating, and he just wanted to eat in peace. 

"I like your jacket." She said, trying to make conversation with him. He stopped his urge to roll his eyes.

"Thanks. I like your...dress." Even if he didn't like her, his momma always raised him to compliment a girl. Obviously this was the wrong thing to do as she delved into talking like her life depended on it.

"Why, thank you! Ain't you a cutie? I've had this old piece for years, it needs replacing but it's my favourite dress. Makes me feel like a princess." 

"Mhm." He glanced at her again, and this time his eyes went down to her...well. He could see why it was her favourite dress - it must garner her a lot of attention from men! He felt very uncomfortable and he quickly averted his eyes. She smirked and shuffled closer to him, her delicate hand settling on his knee.

"Now, now. Don't be shy. I can practically read your mind mister, I know what you mean want." Her hand creeped up his thigh slowly and sweat began to form under his collar. He glanced to Cornelius for help but he was too immersed in conversation with Bridgette to pay attention. Barnaby tried moving his chair away slightly.

"I..Um, I..." Lisa only closed in on him as her hand reached a place he felt was too private.

"Geez, any man would give to be in your situation. What are you, a homo?" She gave a light squeeze and he instinctively pushed her away, watching as she flailed backwards on her chair. He stood up quickly just as she fell backwards onto the floor, legs stuck up. Her scream made everyone stare at Barnaby like hawks.

"What is wrong with you!" Lisa screamed as Bridgette tried to pull her up. Cornelius stared at him in shame.

"What did you go and do that for?" He said angrily, eyebrows furrowed. Barnaby couldn't take it. He felt his eyes sting and he backed away slowly before sprinting away towards the toilets. He pushed past a woman and ran inside. 

Dolly was knocked back by a man and soon connected the two. She looked up and saw Cornelius helping up Lisa and Dolly mentally smacked herself. She'd gotten it all wrong! She thought Barnaby was upset because he too wanted a girl. She let out a sigh and closed her eyes for a moment, figuring out how to fix this. 

Lisa was finally up and brushing herself off, her cheeks bright red. 

"Well I never! I have never been more disrespected in my entire life! That...That 'friend' of yours certainly has a way with women!" Lisa spat out roughly. Bridgette seemed to be the calmer of the two as she helped her friend calm down.

"I'm terribly sorry Mr. Cornelius. I don't think this date can continue any longer. I hope you have a nice night." Bridgette gave Cornelius a peck on the cheek before pulling her angry friend away, and he was left alone. His blood was boiling. How could Barnaby do something like that? He just didn't understand! First things first, he had to go find him. Heading in the direction he saw Barnaby go, he passed Dolly Levi who pointed him in the direction of the mens toilets. Cornelius hesitantly pushed open the door to the spotless room, glancing around.

"Barnaby? Are you in here?" He glanced at the floor and saw Barnaby's shoes in the last stall. Walking over, he stood outside the door, tapping his foot against the tile.

"I am very mad at you. I can't believe you pushed that poor girl over! Now what did she ever do to you?" Barnaby tried to hold himself together but he couldn't. He sat on the toilet seat and pulled his feet up to his chest, letting out a sob. At first Cornelius was even more mad at him for not responding, but after hearing the sob he immediately softened up. Pressing his ear to the door, he sighed.

"Aw, gosh, Barnaby. Don't cry. I didn't mean to-Shucks, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you." Barnaby sniffed and wiped his nose on his jacket.

"She called me a homo." He mumbled, barely even loud enough for him to hear.

"She did what? What a wicked girl! Barnaby, could you do me a favour?" Barnaby let out another silent sob and held his knees tighter.

"What, Cornelius." 

"Let me in? I can't stand to hear you crying like that, it's making my heart hurt." There was a moment of silence and Cornelius held his breath, before the sound of the lock clicked open and Cornelius opened the door. As soon as he saw his friend sat there, shaking like a poor chihuahua with his eyes all red, he gave him a big hug. 

"I'm so sorry Barnaby. It's all my fault. I got so carried away with that girl I forgot about my own best friend." Barnaby gently cried into his friends chest as he kept his eyes shut.

"She...she grabbed me." Barnaby clung closer to Cornelius and he cradled him, rocking him gently. This wasn't the first time Cornelius had dealt with Barnaby when he cried, but it had been a while since he had seen him cry. 

"It's okay. They're gone. They're not coming back." Barnaby wiped his eyes and grabbed a tissue to blow his nose, pulling away from Cornelius.

"I'm sorry too. I ruined your night." Barnaby turned away and sighed, holding the dirty tissue tightly. Cornelius looked at him with shock before shaking his head, turning Barnaby to face him.

"You absolutely did not. As long as we're together, every night is the best night ever. Now what do you say we skedaddle out of here? I've kind of lost my appetite." Barnaby nodded with a small laugh and they stood up, Barnaby still gripping onto Cornelius' arm like he would fall if he let go. They left a bunch of notes on their table to pay for the food and exited. The cold night air sent shivers down their spine. As they walked down the steps Cornelius halted.

"What shall we do now?" Barnaby continued to walk, lightly pulling him.

"Let's take a walk." The clock tower was illuminated and read 8:48. It wasn't too late, but it was still dark enough so all the street lamps were on. They walked in silence for a while, Barnaby resting his head against his friends shoulder. Cornelius put an arm around him, noticing his shivering.

"We should head back, Barnaby. It's getting cold. I don't want you to get ill." Barnaby stopped for a second as his stomach churned. A lot of inner turmoil was happening right now. But he was ignoring it. Everything felt right.

"Cornelius I...I need to get something off my chest." He pulled away from him to instead face him. 

"Well go ahead buddy." He replied with a light smile, not knowing what to expect. 

"I...hm. Cornelius...You ever wonder why I'm not interested in kissing girls?" Cornelius let out a laugh.

"That's easy - because you're young!" Barnaby sighed and shook his head, already feeling like he regretted his decision to talk about this.

"No, it's because..." He looked away as his cheeks flushed, his fingers intertwining with each other.

"Well, it's because I don't want to kiss girls. I want to kiss...boys." There was silence for a beat and Barnaby didn't realise he was holding his breath until he felt the familar hot stream fall down his face again.

"And...And when that girl called me a homo, it hurt because...she was right. And what's worse is...is I'm in love. And that's a heavy burden because the man doesn't love me back..." He began to stutter through the end of his sentence and he couldn't bear to look at his friend, instead he wiped his eyes and closed them.

"I understand if you hate me now. It's why I've never told anyone." He suddenly felt a warm embrace around him and hurriedly wrapped his arms back around Cornelius. The taller man planted a kiss on Barnaby's head sweetly.

"You're too silly. I could never hate you! There's nothing wrong with liking men!" Barnaby let out a sigh of relief and gave a tight hug to his friend like his life depended on it. 

"Can I ask a question?" Cornelius queried. Barnaby nodded.

"Who is it you love? It can't possibly be Mr. Vandergelder, and I don't know anybody else it could be." Barnaby let out a laugh - out of sheer shock that Cornelius was this dense. 

"It's you." Again, he held his breath and waited to be pushed away, or hit, or anything! But it never came.

"Oh." Was all that came out of the taller man's mouth. Barnaby knew he'd said too much, but he couldn't take it back now. 

"I'm sorry, I should probably..." He pulled away and began to walk before Cornelius grabbed his hand.

"Don't go! Barnaby..." Cornelius looked down at him with warm eyes and that goofy smile he always wore.

"Now, I set out with an intention tonight. That we were both going to kiss someone. And...This may sound crazy, but it counts if it's with...with each other, right?" Barnaby could not believe what he was hearing. He let out a giggle, then a laugh. Then Cornelius did the same. They began to laugh with each other as Barnaby wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him down slightly as their noses bumped. Right now, Barnaby didn't care if the entire world saw what was happening, for his heart was racing like a hummingbird and had never been this happier anymore. Their lips pressed together and he could practically feel sparks flying. It didn't last long, and as soon as they pulled away from each other, the clock tower began to ring loudly throughout the town. Barnaby looked to the clock and his eyes widened.

"It's getting late. I promised my parents I'd be home in half an hour!" Cornelius grabbed his hand and began pulling him down the street with a laugh.

"We better get going then!" They both broke into fits of giggles as they ran down the street together, hand in hand.

 

Dolly Levi stood on the steps of the restaurant and watched the whole thing. A small smile settled on her face.

"Well Ephraim Levi, look what happened. I thought I was the best matchmaker in all of Yonkers, and you sure showed me. Maybe fate knows better than me sometimes."

**Author's Note:**

> There should be WAY more works for this ship. I am begging for it! Anyway here's a little thing I wrote up in a few hours. Enjoy!


End file.
